Friday, September 29, 2006

FIRST LOVE (Last of a Six-part Series)

That chance encounter with E. was followed by another. E. always used Nanette as the springboard of our conversation, and I would gladly listen and share my thoughts insofar as their relationship was concerned. I wondered then if it was just E.’s ploy to get closer to me again, hence, I repeatedly told him to take care of Nette, and make things work for both of them. He gave me the assurance that no matter what happens, he would stick it out with his new love. I felt happy and relieved.

Life went on, and one day, I got another call from Nette. She told me it was over between E. and her. It occurred to me that E. never left drugs afterall, and was in fact more deeply engaged in it. Nette was crying on the other line, torn between staying with E. and having a miserable life, or moving on without him to pursue her own dreams. Her relationship with E. has already taken a toll on herself, and her family as well. She said she loved E., but couldn’t handle the pressures any longer. Having been in her shoes, I advised her to listen to her heart, and follow what it says, although I secretly wished she'd stick it out with E. E. might not be able to handle another rejection, not from this woman...and not at that time.

I hadn’t heard about them for almost a decade until that fateful day of July in 2000. It was a Saturday morning when our helper broke the news…..E. was shot dead past Thursday night, outside a friend’s house. The cause of his death was largely speculative; people say he was not the direct target of the assailant, but was a poor victim of circumstance. I felt cold and numb…At that moment, after a very long time, memories came rushing in, and with it came mixed feelings of pity, sadness, loss and wonder (would this have happened had I held on to him?)….But there was neither a feeling of guilt nor regret….

At the wake, I learned (from his closest relative, a cousin) that Nette decided to leave him years before. He never got off his addiction, and had a string of short-lived affairs, with women having the same lifestyle as his. His cousin mused that E. would have lived longer had I not abandoned him. How I wished E. were alive that very minute to tell one and all how he truly felt, and why he did the things he did. He was loved, but failed to see it, because he thought he was not worthy enough to be loved by anybody. In the process, he let himself be dragged into the depths of despair, hurting the people to whom he mattered, the most.

On his coffin, E. was ironically a picture of peace and contentment, devoid of any trace of his violent death. I felt he was happy to 'see me' again, one last time... beside him. I cried a silent tear, and whispered to E. "it's over, pain has no power over you anymore, and to where you are going, you will be truly loved"...

I mustered a prayer, asking God to welcome him, and let him feel the love he must have sought but never found in his short earthly stint.

My first love was finally at rest.

“The echoes of love have fainted now;
Barely heard, only memories do linger somehow;
The love we had for a time in our lives,
Though past and gone, will remain in the heart.”

-THE END-

2 comments:

April Rain said...

dear sunriser,

i admire the way you handled your failed love. i am sure that by now, you are enjoying life to the fullest, with your true love (for life) by your side.

i think you are one of the very few men who loves well when he does, the type that would regard love as the be all and end all of all things.

i just wish i could find somebody like you to share my whole life with. there would be no greater reward than this.

fondly,
your cyberfriend AR

April Rain said...

dear sunriser,

you seem to know me well. maybe i've met you in my past lifetime.

cheers to love, and our loved ones!

AR